Wow, so much has happened in the last few days, the last week! I have opened up so much, and there have been so many internal shifts!
First to catch up, it might be helpful to read “Seeing and BEing extraordinary.” I wrote this on January 6th, and then, feeling self-conscious about what I had written, I edited it about 5 times after posting, then moved it from public to private. I just now moved it back to public, because I do like the post. The biggest reason I deleted it was because I felt silly being so sure of myself. Sometimes I have moments where I do get really really sure of myself, and shout it out to the world, and almost always someone knocks me down a peg, not with mean intentions usually, but just because they either can’t see how amazing of a place I’ve gotten myself to, or because they just don’t understand that feeling.
After writing this post, I did sink for a little bit. I really went back to questioning myself as much as I usually do. But, then, this time was different, and the self-doubt didn’t feel real, it just felt like skin I was preparing to molt. In the meantime however, I was able to use this situation for writing. Just last week, I had written, at work, this wonderful list of screenplay themes I’d really like to explore, and one was the difference in behavior between people who judge success by external factors, vs internal factors, and also process vs. product. So, life gave me a way to explore these themes in my writing, and I took it! I have been writing every day, dialogue and themes and ideas for not just films but other kinds of projects too. This whole situation opened up some creative blocks I’ve had for a long time, and even though it hasn’t sunk in yet that I’m doing this, I know that its a big deal.
It doesn’t feel quite as exuberant as it had for a bit there, but I’m okay with that, at least for now. What I have started noticing, is a bedrock feeling to it. Like finally, finally, after the ground always caving under my feet this whole lifetime (and many more, really), my feet are ON the ground. This feeling is connecting with Earth. I am actually believing in myself, for real, for the first time in my memory, and I have a real foundation to build on. I’m still breaking some of the habits of thinking around my sense of self-worth, but the shift has happened.
As a result, my perceptions of things are starting to shift just a bit. Like, I’m noticing how much I shortchange myself sometimes in certain types of situations, and how much I let other people’s opinions of me influence how I feel about myself. People have always told me I shouldn’t do this, but until this shift happened, and I started actually believing in myself, it didn’t matter what anyone said. Somethings you just have to learn by knowing. I’m getting there!