Sometimes, its easy to get down on myself for the twists and turns my life has taken. At 17, anticipating 32, I’d have guessed I’d have become an accomplished film director right now, married, with a nice home and plenty of money, and about ready to have kids. When I compare that vision with where I am today, including the poverty I have experienced at times, and the fact I am not yet an accomplished film director, I feel sad and disappointed in myself.

Sometimes I am graced by remembering what all has happened in all those years. That 17 year old me did have beautiful dreams that I still aim for, but she wasn’t seeing the depression she was already neck deep in. That depression overtook me shortly after graduating from High School, and consumed my life for nearly three years after that. Reading this blog post earlier today, by a woman suffering from depression, reminds me how bleak everything looked at that time. As she says, depression lies. I forgot about that part of it. I forget about how my depression would tell me horrible things about me, my friends, my life, and I didn’t know how to separate the horrible perceptions I was having, from reality. I cut myself regularly (for a while, daily), and spent a lot of time planning my demise. Hospitals didn’t help, therapy didn’t help, drugs didn’t help, nothing helped. The doctors told me I wouldn’t likely live very long, and I had no chance of full recovery from depression, because it had such a tight grip on me and seemed to never let up. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent. The recurrent part was a bit of a joke though, because while many people had reprieves between their episodes, I didn’t. It didn’t let up.

A miracle happened, a miracle that I’ve now had enough years of separation from, that I sometimes forget what a miracle my life is. I’ve told the story so many times that I won’t tell it right now, but it’s a good story. Basically, I came to a moment of realization that I could heal myself, and I chose to do so. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I now believe that was the moment that my healing abilities woke up. All people have the potential to heal, and be healers, and it has been a part of my life path. It started with healing my depression.

Once the depression was gone, colors came back. I didn’t know they had been gone, but suddenly they appeared to startle a world of washed out hues, and black and grey. Everything became so bright, so colorful, so alive, and it was if I was a new person with new eyes. At that point I realized I had been depressed my whole life, although it might have been mild or moderate for most of my childhood. Although I had no template for happiness or wellness, here I was living and having healed depression.

After healing the depression, I had a lot of work still to do. Having been crippled by mental health issues my whole life, I didn’t know really how to live. I had poor interpersonal skills, poor life coping skills, and a lot of unhealed emotional wounds. I also had never explored the fun parts of life, as many other people my age had done. I had missed out on so many things, because my depression had cut me off from enjoying life.

My 20′s were pretty much dedicated to emotional and spiritual healing. I did other cool things too, like connect deeply with nature, learn how to enjoy my creativity, learn how to make and keep friends, learn how to take care of myself. I did a lot of art and learned many cool things in college, and began a video production career after college. A miracle child named Joy came into my life, and because of her, my heart opened up in a whole new way, I met some amazing people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, was introduced to organic living and activism, and fell in love with the Appalachian mountains.

In all of my post-depression adventures, I became more of the person I am. I learned energy healing, learned about life, and became me. While I am not yet a famous film director, I really built the foundation that I will later create films from. I don’t have the exact quote, but once Oliver Stone was asked his advice for aspiring filmmakers, and he said to forget film school and all that, but instead to live. He said that understanding life, having some real life experience will prepare you to be a good filmmaker more than anything else will. So, I have done that. Check!!!

All of this came up today, because I am reading “Anatomy of the Spirit” by Caroline Myss. I am feeling very called to the healing arts right now, not only to heal myself further (including my body), and also because it is part of my path too. I am thinking about how, if my path had gone the way I thought it would, I wouldn’t know I was a healer. Also, I am thinking about how I should not be hard on myself for taking a windy path to where I am going, because really, it is such a miracle I am alive, and anything beyond that is an EXTRA gift. Finally, I’m thinking about all the adventures I’ve had, and how far I have come. I have made it all this distance, what’s a little more distance? My life is a gift. It is my choice what to do with this precious present!