First… a recommendation. lindawhitedove.com
I invite you to check out this site. Linda White Dove is amazing. On this site, you will find mind-blowing writing, free sample energy attunements, and information about attunements available for purchase.

I am currently doing attunements with Linda. The process, for me, has been one of clearing old energy baggage which had been cluttering my energy body. In addition, my core energy has become more aligned and I feel greater clarity, drive, peace and passion. I am more fully in my body and fully present in each moment.

However, the last few days I have been struggling a lot. I’d have an amazing moment of clarity and insight, closely followed by despair and grief. I’d see some amazing brilliant truth about myself, and then crash again. My sanity was beginning to ebb from all the up and down when I e-mailed Linda to vent.

Later that night, I realized what was going on. I was experiencing turbulance because of one major energy block I’ve carried a long time.

See, I’ve always believed I was cursed. My childhood was chaotic, painful and unpredictable for the most part. Everything seemed to always fall apart around me, and I took it very personally. I thought that there was some essential aspect of me that made bad things happen. I didn’t think it was something I did, but something about who I was. This belief was being pushed against by my newly expanding energy.

Last night, I also received my weekly newsletter from Rob Brezny (freewillastrology.com). He suggested a homework assignment for us: write your life story in 50 words or less. I did it, and it was worth all the time it took to boil it down:

Born magical, I remembered my divinity into childhood. It took my parents 18 years to abuse away the memory, until I only had a memory of the memory. I spent my twenties clearing rubble. At 30, in despair, I released the memory of the memory, then cracked open and remembered.

Writing this last sentance was a revelatory act. I realized this was my despair, letting go of the memory of the memory of my divinity. I have clung to it so long, but it has come to a time that holding onto it is keeping me from experiencing it completely now. With it, I clung to the pain of so many things going wrong in my childhood.

So, I embrace cracking open!

This morning, Linda sent me some extra energy to cope with everything I was feeling. She also recommended I try an exercise on her site called, “Beyond Emotional Intensity into Ease and Flow” to help release my belief (or really, to release my attachment to it. This exercise is not totally new to me, I’ve done similar exersizes for years, and Buddism describes ways of doing this as well. I like Linda’s way of explaining it, though.

So, today, whenever I felt this belief (and the energy and thoughts that go with it), rise up, I allowed it. I kept open my awareness of my infinite self (as much as is possible while running around with a toddler), and I allowed the sensations of the energy to flow through me. However, although I stated open to it, I didn’t buy into it. I accepted the presence of the feelings, but did not didn’t latch onto the messages about myself or my life. I acknowledged the negative thoughts, but just let them drift through and dissolve away. It felt really good, and for the first time in my life today, I saw that I was really going to make it, that freedom was really a reality!

I’m going to keep doing this exercise in the coming days, and I’m excited to be at this most pivotal moment in my personal growth. This, right here, is what I spent my twenties working toward! : )

Insights and revelations continue to flow and trickle through me as I crack wider and wider open. I’m not going to even attempt to write them all down, but I may try to get the highlights.

Here’s a few zingers:

It’s not the negative belief itself that blocks me, it’s my avoidance of facing or resolving it.

Even though I feel like I’m a victim of this belief, I’m keeping it going myself.

(any negative internal pattern has a payoff, so in investigating my payoffs, I found): I like to believe that I’m cursed because it makes me feel special (you know, a nice dose of the epic!)