Today, a friend of mine ended our friendship because I did not respond to an important question she had sent to me via Facebook message a few weeks ago. In fact, I would have responded, if I had seen the message. I just saw it today after reading her unhappy message she sent today. It’s not good that sometimes Facebook messages seem to disappear. It’s happened to messages I’ve sent other people as well. It’s also sad that someone who was my friend would say goodbye without first checking in and making sure I actually got that original message. I hate miscommunications, and missed messages.

The thing that really got me is that she said that she didn’t want to keep reading my “enlightened” comments on Facebook all while knowing I hadn’t responded to her important question (and it was, in fact, an important question, I just didn’t know she had sent it). This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten a comment like that from somebody. Which leaves me to believe that there are some misunderstandings about who I am, and even about who I am trying to be.

I don’t claim to be “enlightened” or better than anyone else. Yes, I am coming to believe that I am pretty awesome, but not more awesome than other people. And, I don’t claim not to make mistakes. In fact, I make lots of mistakes. Possibly more than other people (if we are going to continue this comparison thing, which is probably a silly thing anyway). I am very imperfect, and I’m okay with that.

When I was a teenager, I had a goal of being perfect. It was an explicit goal. I had been kicked out of my mom’s house for being very imperfect, and I was living with my dad and stepmom, and terrified of making too many mistakes and getting kicked out into foster care. So, I decided to be perfect. Worst decision of my life. Tore me up. Plunged me into an incredibly intense state of constant anxiety of doing something, anything, wrong, which led to a deepening of the depression I already had. I started hating every imperfect thing about myself, and started to hate myself with an intense loathing that defied all reason, and I started cutting myself to express the intense hatred I felt.

Perfection is a horrible goal, I learned. I think enlightenment is an okay goal, as long as it isn’t confused with perfection. And, actually, forget that, enlightenment isn’t really a great goal either. I’ve heard stories of Buddhists who couldn’t reach enlightenment because they wanted it too much, and clinging to wanting something causes suffering. It’s pretty confusing and frustrating to pursue that.

So, not only am I not enlightened, I’m pretty sure I’m not even trying to get there. What I am trying to do is be very alive, and live to the best of my abilities. I am also working, still, to heal and become whole, which is very important to me. I mess up all the time, and I don’t think that gets in the way of my being spiritual, or even awesome. In fact, I think making lots of mistakes, learning from them, and continuing on with life is the best way to be alive and love life. Neil Gaiman talked about that in his New Year’s Wish.

So, I hope that clears it up. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be or claim to be. If I make a mistake in my friendship with you, maybe give me the same chance to fix it that you would give anyone else. Just because I’m starting to believe in myself for real doesn’t mean I want to be on a dumb pedestal. It really hurts to fall from those things, and everyone falls eventually.

Wow, so much has happened in the last few days, the last week! I have opened up so much, and there have been so many internal shifts!

First to catch up, it might be helpful to read “Seeing and BEing extraordinary.” I wrote this on January 6th, and then, feeling self-conscious about what I had written, I edited it about 5 times after posting, then moved it from public to private. I just now moved it back to public, because I do like the post. The biggest reason I deleted it was because I felt silly being so sure of myself. Sometimes I have moments where I do get really really sure of myself, and shout it out to the world, and almost always someone knocks me down a peg, not with mean intentions usually, but just because they either can’t see how amazing of a place I’ve gotten myself to, or because they just don’t understand that feeling.

After writing this post, I did sink for a little bit. I really went back to questioning myself as much as I usually do. But, then, this time was different, and the self-doubt didn’t feel real, it just felt like skin I was preparing to molt. In the meantime however, I was able to use this situation for writing. Just last week, I had written, at work, this wonderful list of screenplay themes I’d really like to explore, and one was the difference in behavior between people who judge success by external factors, vs internal factors, and also process vs. product. So, life gave me a way to explore these themes in my writing, and I took it! I have been writing every day, dialogue and themes and ideas for not just films but other kinds of projects too. This whole situation opened up some creative blocks I’ve had for a long time, and even though it hasn’t sunk in yet that I’m doing this, I know that its a big deal.

It doesn’t feel quite as exuberant as it had for a bit there, but I’m okay with that, at least for now. What I have started noticing, is a bedrock feeling to it. Like finally, finally, after the ground always caving under my feet this whole lifetime (and many more, really), my feet are ON the ground. This feeling is connecting with Earth. I am actually believing in myself, for real, for the first time in my memory, and I have a real foundation to build on. I’m still breaking some of the habits of thinking around my sense of self-worth, but the shift has happened.

As a result, my perceptions of things are starting to shift just a bit. Like, I’m noticing how much I shortchange myself sometimes in certain types of situations, and how much I let other people’s opinions of me influence how I feel about myself. People have always told me I shouldn’t do this, but until this shift happened, and I started actually believing in myself, it didn’t matter what anyone said. Somethings you just have to learn by knowing. I’m getting there!

I really want to share this photo, because I really feel it captures my spirit, and how alive I am feeling right now. : )

This evening, I was chatting with someone about Landmark Education. I heard about this program (subtitled, “Innovative programs for living an extraordinary life”) from a new friend of mine, and I am very impressed by the program. I don’t necessarily feel called to attending, although I would possibly be open to it. I think it’s some really awesome, stuff, though, and I liked reading the curriculum program partly because it confirmed for me a lot of things I’ve been discovering about life, and working on, for a while. For example, this unit: “Dealing Powerfully with Breakdowns” is something I discovered years ago (that breakdowns are just potential breakthroughs in disguise). In fact, just the other day, I was talking to a friend of mine via pm, and said:

“Holding the intention that a breakdown can instead be a breakthrough, it tends to go that direction. Then, I see the things that are falling apart as no-longer-needed energies dying, so that I can be born to an awareness of a deeper, more powerful reality or way of being…”

I think the people with Landmark Education have discovered a better WAY OF LIVING that others are also discovering as part of the Global shift in awareness that is happening, and it’s beautiful. It’s a process that works, that sustains people’s spirits while allowing for more ALIVE living.

So, I was talking about all of this with my friend. I briefly pondered taking the course so then I could then teach it at some point and share these concepts with others. Then, he said, “do you think your life is extraordinary?” in a way that implied it wasn’t, and I almost responded, “fuck you” but held that back, because although at first it seemed mean, I realized that he wasn’t trying to be mean. Instead, I ended up basically saying, “I am an extraordinary person, and I’ve done extraordinary things, so yes, my life is extraordinary” and I ended the conversation to clear my thoughts.

If this conversation had happened even a few weeks ago, I would have felt crushed. I would have started thinking about all the ways my life doesn’t appear extraordinary, and I would have felt dumb for thinking otherwise. See, lately, I have been seeing how extraordinary I am, so there has been a significant shift, enough so that I could stay apart from his opinion enough not to absorb it. That right there is years of work finally coming together for me. I have always struggled with hating myself, doubting myself, and not believing in myself.

Lately, I have been considering some intense personal risks to start really creating movies like I want to. This has been fueled by the belief that I really have something special to contribute. Every tiny thought of faith in myself has been doubled by Spirit, and I have seen my self-confidence grow like it never has. On top of that, I have been realizing how amazing I really am, because of all the very difficult things I have triumphed over. I have really lived, I have done so much healing, I have had so many adventures, and I have loved deeply and fearlessly. Yes, I am extraordinary! My life is extraordinary! The miracle of life by itself is amazing, as is the fact I can actually hold this miracle in my heart without trying to minimize it.

Instead of being mad (which isn’t helpful), I am trying to hold my friend in my heart, and simply realize he is holding a different vision of success.

I am interested in a process-oriented type of success. Many people are product-oriented. This almost goes without saying, but how this cuts down is not always so obvious. When looking only at the outward manifestations of success, it’s easy to miss a lot. The most interesting moments are nearly invisible if you don’t look right. An extraordinary life isn’t only about the external successes, things, prosperity accumulated. To me, an extraordinary life is about the adventures had, the stories to tell, the internal AND external triumphs, the distance covered in pursuit of dreams. Extraordinary means just that, beyond ordinary. Ordinariness is about living in the boxes people leave out for you, living free and living bravely. I feel that my life is pretty extraordinary. Is it everything I might want it to be? No, but the striving is

Lately, I have been seeing my future unfold before me, and I have gotten so high on the vision that I can’t help but be pretty excited about myself. Also, as I say YES to the vision that Spirit is putting in front of me, I must step into a bigger ME, a me that is extraordinary enough to take on all of these beautiful challenges and triumph. Of course, as I’ve started expanding into my fullest self, internal barriers to success have begun melting. Internal obstacles I’ve struggled with for years are finally just falling away like ice under boiling water. The other day, for example, some really great screenplay themes and ideas came to me while I was working. I have always felt like writing was in my heart, but I couldn’t get to it, and suddenly it’s volunteering to come out. I am ready, and the moment of anticipation I am living in is so rich and full that I can only expand and grow more in order to hold it. So, I am experiencing exponential expansion, and I forget that not everyone can see it. I keep thinking that everyone can see it, although perhaps it is only visible to me for now. That’s okay. That’s a part of the storyline, too. Basically, I’m at the top of the slide. I’ve climbed up the ladder, and outwardly I’m pretty still, but the potential for motion is great. In a moment, I’ll start moving and accelerating in a way other people can see, with visible kinetic energy. By the time it’s easy to see me moving, I’ll be moving pretty fast, because it was a big build-up.

Until then, you can take my word for it. I’m extraordinary! You probably are too. If you can’t see it, try on a different set of eyes! If you don’t know how to grow new eyes, this program seems like a good start! Doubt waters no seeds. Choosing to see the extraordinary all around tends to bring it out, it seems. Even if that’s not true, wonder-vision sure makes any life more interesting.

For the record… I don’t think I’m more special than anyone else. The potential that I am tapping into, everyone has it, and I can see it in every person I meet. I see so much potential everywhere I look. I think it’s good to talk about how awesome I am, but I’d also like to talk about how awesome YOU are. I am surrounded by awesomeness. : ) It’s possible to start seeing this, BEing this, living this. There is no ceiling. Only potential.

It is often implied that really successful people (I’m talking artists here), have a certain ruthlessness, which can include dishonesty.

Some famous artists and performers certainly can be dishonest, and that does seem to be one way to “make it.” However, I disagree that it is necessary to lie or cheat to succeed. However, I do think it takes an utter and total devotion to success, as well as some serious luck.

There is a game on FB going on right now that includes looking up the #1 top song from when you were born, in the country of your origin, then finding the video on youtube and posting it. Mine is “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer. Another friend has “Bennie and the Jets” by Elton John. I’m watching a very young Elton John performing on our TV set, and my first thought was how young he looks. Then, I went into awe about how fearless he was even when he was really young. To perform his songs, and dress like that, and know that he was bound to succeed by being himself. I’m ready to have that for myself… not a style of dress, but that unshakable feeling that I’m going to succeed by being the most Ultimate Me I can be.

My sensation of success comes from my connection to Spirit, because that’s where all of my sense of meaning comes from. I feel drawn to writing and directing about certain kinds of subjects (like healing, miracles, perceptions, reality shifts (spiritual and political), waking up from both spiritual and political sleep, self-empowerment, cultural empowerment, people-powered movements, and more). By being true to what I care about (and also to my sense that honesty and integrity are the backbone of my connection to Spirit), my work will have reach. I may not become Elton John kind of famous, but I will succeed in accomplishing what I am called to do in my life path. By accepting the challenge, I will succeed!

Sometimes, its easy to get down on myself for the twists and turns my life has taken. At 17, anticipating 32, I’d have guessed I’d have become an accomplished film director right now, married, with a nice home and plenty of money, and about ready to have kids. When I compare that vision with where I am today, including the poverty I have experienced at times, and the fact I am not yet an accomplished film director, I feel sad and disappointed in myself.

Sometimes I am graced by remembering what all has happened in all those years. That 17 year old me did have beautiful dreams that I still aim for, but she wasn’t seeing the depression she was already neck deep in. That depression overtook me shortly after graduating from High School, and consumed my life for nearly three years after that. Reading this blog post earlier today, by a woman suffering from depression, reminds me how bleak everything looked at that time. As she says, depression lies. I forgot about that part of it. I forget about how my depression would tell me horrible things about me, my friends, my life, and I didn’t know how to separate the horrible perceptions I was having, from reality. I cut myself regularly (for a while, daily), and spent a lot of time planning my demise. Hospitals didn’t help, therapy didn’t help, drugs didn’t help, nothing helped. The doctors told me I wouldn’t likely live very long, and I had no chance of full recovery from depression, because it had such a tight grip on me and seemed to never let up. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent. The recurrent part was a bit of a joke though, because while many people had reprieves between their episodes, I didn’t. It didn’t let up.

A miracle happened, a miracle that I’ve now had enough years of separation from, that I sometimes forget what a miracle my life is. I’ve told the story so many times that I won’t tell it right now, but it’s a good story. Basically, I came to a moment of realization that I could heal myself, and I chose to do so. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I now believe that was the moment that my healing abilities woke up. All people have the potential to heal, and be healers, and it has been a part of my life path. It started with healing my depression.

Once the depression was gone, colors came back. I didn’t know they had been gone, but suddenly they appeared to startle a world of washed out hues, and black and grey. Everything became so bright, so colorful, so alive, and it was if I was a new person with new eyes. At that point I realized I had been depressed my whole life, although it might have been mild or moderate for most of my childhood. Although I had no template for happiness or wellness, here I was living and having healed depression.

After healing the depression, I had a lot of work still to do. Having been crippled by mental health issues my whole life, I didn’t know really how to live. I had poor interpersonal skills, poor life coping skills, and a lot of unhealed emotional wounds. I also had never explored the fun parts of life, as many other people my age had done. I had missed out on so many things, because my depression had cut me off from enjoying life.

My 20′s were pretty much dedicated to emotional and spiritual healing. I did other cool things too, like connect deeply with nature, learn how to enjoy my creativity, learn how to make and keep friends, learn how to take care of myself. I did a lot of art and learned many cool things in college, and began a video production career after college. A miracle child named Joy came into my life, and because of her, my heart opened up in a whole new way, I met some amazing people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, was introduced to organic living and activism, and fell in love with the Appalachian mountains.

In all of my post-depression adventures, I became more of the person I am. I learned energy healing, learned about life, and became me. While I am not yet a famous film director, I really built the foundation that I will later create films from. I don’t have the exact quote, but once Oliver Stone was asked his advice for aspiring filmmakers, and he said to forget film school and all that, but instead to live. He said that understanding life, having some real life experience will prepare you to be a good filmmaker more than anything else will. So, I have done that. Check!!!

All of this came up today, because I am reading “Anatomy of the Spirit” by Caroline Myss. I am feeling very called to the healing arts right now, not only to heal myself further (including my body), and also because it is part of my path too. I am thinking about how, if my path had gone the way I thought it would, I wouldn’t know I was a healer. Also, I am thinking about how I should not be hard on myself for taking a windy path to where I am going, because really, it is such a miracle I am alive, and anything beyond that is an EXTRA gift. Finally, I’m thinking about all the adventures I’ve had, and how far I have come. I have made it all this distance, what’s a little more distance? My life is a gift. It is my choice what to do with this precious present!

Technically, I consider the New Year to begin at the Solstice, but I’m okay with a series of new beginnings, cycling with each other. That said, my New Year’s Resolution for 2012 is to foster my connection to All that Is and experiencing Oneness. For years, I have had moments here and there of experiencing a sense of Oneness, and this sense of interconnectedness has shaped my perceptions of how the world works, and how I can best act within the world. Acting with integrity and grace within the world is self-serving, as harmony within the world creates harmony within me.

(My friend Amy has posted HERE about her new resolution, and the concept of one-word resolutions. I like it.)

This pursuit of Oneness includes all aspects of my life. I can foster Oneness in my spiritual work, physical health, harmony with all life, pursuit of creativity, and more, and it leaves the path open to doing whatever needs to be done. I cannot possibly predict what is all going to happen this year. A goal like this allows me a focus point, while still allowing for flexibility and creativity. Spirit is always giving us opportunities for Oneness and connection, in every moment and every circumstance, so this goal will always apply to any situation I might find myself.

Many blessings in 2012! May you also be blessed with awareness of Oneness, if that is something you long for as well!

In not any particular order, here is a list of some of my life goals. It is possible some of these won’t be possible, but it’s good to have goals. : )

1. Make movies.

2. Raise self-actualized, healthy and happy child(ren)

3. Live in a community filled with friends and lots of support and creative energy

4. Attend Burning Man

5. Cast at least one film with Janeane Garofalo in a lead role (not sidekick!).

6. Run a marathon

7. Complete a triathalon

8. Learn how to play the piano

9. At some point, re-learn bari sax and join or start a locally-touring jazz band.

10. Hang glide

11. Sky dive

12. Take an improv class

13. Be interviewed by Steven Colbert

14. Be interviewed by Charlie Rose

15. Meet the current Dalai Lama

16. Attend a Cirque Du Soleil performance

17. Attend at least one Starhawk ritual

18. Travel the world

19. See the Taj Mahal

20. Write and/or illustrate a children’s book

21. Eventually, someday, own a house in or near the woods.

22. Make more pottery

23. Paint more paintings

24. At least once, have dreadlocks

25. Write an auto-biography

Went to the Museum of Modern Art today, with Brian (oh yeah, I’m in DC now, I’ll explain soon), and had a great time.

Nostalgia, for being an art student, crept up, but didn’t ache too bad. Had a memory of going to an art show right after graduation with my friend Jessica Nelson, and talking about the art in the show while feeling bittersweet that a beautiful era of my life had ended. I love looking at art, and I love talking about art, especially with someone as well versed in the language as I was at that point. We had been trained in similar ways in how to talk about art, and although I still can use those skills, it was hard to lose that shared experience, that shared art student culture.

Today was amazing. I forgot how much more moving it is to see artwork in person than on a picture or slide. Not only are the dimensions and colors more vivid, but also the energy of the artists still lingers, or so I imagine anyway. The featured exhibit was Warhol’s Shadow Exhibit. which I hadn’t seen in pictures before. I liked it, although maybe not for the reasons Warhol may have intended. I loved the vast expanse of painted canvases (with the curved walls we couldn’t see how far they went) and thinking about the quantity of paint he used. I love big non-mural paintings, and this many big paintings really stunned me. I liked the contrast between the repetitive screen-painted shadow image and the fact he did the colors with a mop. Regular, uniform, perfect sameness vs. a freaking mop. And, although he is most famous for his Marilyn Monroe and Campbell Soup work, I really liked that it was a shadow, so the shape was more important than it’s cultural meaning.

We saw some Picasso work, some Kandinsky, some other names I don’t remember but hope to find via Google later. By the time we left, I was sad to go, but felt very full. Viewing and connecting with products of people’s creativity is very fulfilling for me, and I need to remember to do it more often. : )

Do you find there are different eras of your life that were hard to end but still enrich you now? I do sometimes miss being an art student, but I’ve had some other amazing experiences since then, including working at a PBS station, doing freelance video work, being part of an ongoing spiritual community and mystery school with it’s own shared experiences and language, having a baby and finding my own way through parenting, creating a radio show, and being a community organizer. All of these things has been a unique experience, and all of these have informed my experience and self-development, and each can be a world unto itself. None of these are all of who I am.

How do you gracefully let go of wonderful experiences that are now over? How do you integrate the different parts of your life and self, and allow new experiences to add to your wholeness?