On September 8th, I took these photos with Brian’s camera and a macro lens. I love macro photography!
Sep17
Sep11
Choice Points and The Myth of Inevitability
When we look back at history, and see different events taking place, it’s easy to see what has happened as inevitable.
Similarly, when we look back at our own lives, its easy to see these events as inevitable, because they are what happened. Also, our species lives by stories, and the stories we tell write maps for what we believe is possible and “how life works.” This can sometimes be a good thing, because healthy stories can give us a sense of direction and structure, but when stories are unhealthy, or we’ve simply outgrown them, they can limit potential.
On the other hand, I do think its good to look at history (of one’s life, and one’s culture) to understand patterns. There is a lot we can learn about the way things have been done before. For example, when we look at the uber-corporate US media, that is owned by very few people, and often spreads lies or at least ignores truths, all to benefit the ruling elite, it’s not hard to see a similar pattern when looking at some of the Nazi-era media, although not to quite the same extreme, at least yet (getting there, though). Now, most people go one of two routes when they see a pattern like this… either saying “oh things are different now, that won’t happen” or “yes, we are going to end up like that.” Both of these ignore a possible choice point, and both assume a certain sort of inevitability. Neither take into account all the possible roads that could be taken at this time, and possibly don’t realize that they may have been a great number of possible roads even back in the Nazi era.
There are always patterns, and there are are always choice points, otherwise known as shift points. This, again, is true not only in the cycles of cultures, but also in people. There are always decision points that could alter the direction of the pattern entirely, creating a new pattern. Every cycle (a different way of saying pattern) has these. I learned this in my own personal healing journey, many years ago. I found that for most of a cycle, the changes you make are mostly with the use of intentions and inner resolve… and there is little to no noticeable shift at the surface level. But, then, there are choice points where you can make everything change in an instant. Again, the shift might not be immediately obvious on the surface level at that moment, although after that moment, the rules have changed, reality operates differently. Time working on change coming up to that moment is not wasted, a lot of that work is laying the ground, and clearing one’s vision to be prepared to see the moment of opportunity arrive.
I am at a choice point right now about my own health. I am struggling with arthritic-like pain, and have been for a while. Yesterday, I realized that at the speed this problem is accelerating, I could be in a wheelchair within a year. I said, NO. No, I am not willing to be crippled at 33-34! No. Shit, I’m not willing to be crippled, ever, if I have ANYthing to say about it. I like easy mobility, and the full use of my body. I feel that I have that choice, and I chose to say no. And to be clear, this is not to say that I think other people could have said no to their own illnesses, necessarily. I’m not trying to say that at all. Each path is different. I have no idea what other people can or can’t do. I know in my heart that I can heal my body fully. That is part of my available life’s path. It may not be the path for others, but I know it is possible for me.
I imagine myself 20 years from now, talking to people about this particular shift point. I will talk about how I seemed doomed to experience pain and stiffness for my entire life, and that by the middle of my 30′s would likely be in a wheelchair. People will enjoy hearing the story, because they already know the end by looking at me. In my early 50′s, I’m fit, I’m a runner and a hiker, and I do a lot of walking with myself and others. I’ve run a few marathons, and I’ve hiked the entire Appalachian Trail. Because they can see the end, they know where the story is going. Or, even people who read my work and never meet me… they will be able to guess the end of this story, because they will look at a life full of miracles and it won’t surprise them that I accomplished one around physical healing. Already at this point, at 33, I’ve had a number of amazing miracles happen in my life, what’s one more?
And yet, at this moment, immersed in this particular choice point, and even armed with heart-certainty that I can heal, the work remains to be done, and I still need to puzzle out the way. Also, I am faced with outdated (in my opinion) ideas about aging and what it has to mean. In a way, maybe it’s a miracle this is happening to me when I’m 33 instead of when I’m 50-60. If I were a few decades older, especially because I know crippling arthritis runs in both sides of my family, I might chalk it up to inevitability… “well that’s how it goes” and only try to quiet the pain instead of removing the pain and stiffness entirely. Even while I hear these ideas sounding about what is inevitable, I am declining to accept that story. I am choosing otherwise, partly because I feel in my heart it is possible, and also because I sense the choice point happening right now.
I have to do the leg work (haha, pun), and puzzle my way through this. When we assume things are inevitable, we don’t understand how much work needs to be done to make something happen. I think that’s what a cursory level understanding of history can do… if the path of history looks inevitable, we are more likely to be lazy in the present moment, figuring that things will “take care of themselves” when in fact, that’s not how it works. You still have to do it. The choice is there, you gotta take it.
Aug27
Dream Neighborhood
As we work out trying to figure out where we will be living,
I am picturing what it would like. I am imagining living in a beautifully decorated home 
in a fairly green neighborhood such as this
With lots of awesome like-spirited neighbors (not pictured) who have some degree of cooperation and mutual support, as well as potential for heart-connected friendship.
I need to also have access to work (video production of some kind, or possibly something I haven’t thought of yet that suits my skills), which as far as I know, kind of entails a city at this time (someday I’d love to live a bit into the woods though… and still have this degree of connectivity). I’m visualizing it and taking what steps I can towards this life. I’ve been working this summer on getting some fresh production work available for showing to potential clients, and jump into the independent production world. Having an awesome place to live is part of the picture too. 
So, if anyone knows of a neighborhood like this, or has an idea how to make it happen, please let me know!
Side note… that first picture says “gipsy chic” on it. That’s simply the image that came on this awesome picture, and apparently it’s a brand of gypsy-style stuff. Which, apparently, is a style I like a lot. Huh, who knew?
Aug21
Protected: The Shadow of Your Heart
Aug15
Baby Bird
A few days ago, I came across this baby bird sitting in a road near our house. I moved him to safety.
(before you say it… no, mama birds will not abandon their babies if you touch them. That’s a myth)
I came back a few hours later, and he was sitting in the road again, luckily unharmed. I moved him onto some mulch by some bushes.
A couple hours later, he was in the road again, I moved him again, this time directly under a bush so he’d be hidden. In the meantime, I asked my facebook friends for advice and then did my radio show. After the show concluded, I looked at the advice and links people had shared. I got ahold of a professional rehabilitation specialist. She said that if it weren’t for the road situation, definitely should leave it where it is. She said to go out in a bit, as dusk gets a bit darker, and put it back under a bush again, and being it’s getting dark, it won’t hop around anymore tonight, and it’s parents will take care of it first thing in the morning when it gets hungry and starts squawking. Just in case it was in the road again in the morning, she gave me a number of a lady who specializes in bluejays.
So, at dusk, I went out to put baby birdie back under the bush for nighttime. He wasn’t in the road, and he was nowhere to be seen. I take this as a very good sign that he stayed safe (because I also didn’t see a squished version of him anywhere).
I’ve checked on him a number of times since then, and he has remained hidden. I’m assuming his parents took charge and helped him figure out how to stay hidden (while they continue to bring him food), or if he just got tired of the big scary person moving him when he was on the road, and figured out if he stayed off the road, maybe he could stay away from big scary person. At any rate, I’m going to assume he’s safe.
It’s really a wonder, isn’t it? Bluejays have this whole pattern of life going on.. the fledgling fall out of nests, don’t usually get back in the nests, and their parents help them even as they are grounded, to eat and learn basic life skills. All of this is happening in a way that we don’t notice the process all the time (we see it, obviously, but not regularly), and it’s part of the way they live. And, of course, they just one species of creature! Imagine all the fascinating and vulnerable life stories happening around us every day (even in the city) that we completely unaware of most of the time! Wow!
Aug13
Nature Pictures
So, as part of my Journey of following the threads, I ended up finding a little trail yesterday (a dirt offshoot of a paved trail) near our house. I was so excited, I went back today to get a few pics.
Taking these pictures was so much fun. I’ve taken some photos since graduating from College, but mostly of Joy since she’s been born. In college, I took several semesters of black and white photography, mostly nature images. As I was shooting today, I felt as if a part of myself, gone now for 7 years, had finally returned. It was a very amazing feeling, as you might imagine!
Aug5
Show launch tonight!!!
Tonight is the launch of The Space Between! I’m very excited. The story of this episode is, “As we experience and grieve the death of our old ways of living, we can grow into new ways of knowing, connect with our inner genius, and embody our true awesomeness in the world. In this way, we can create change by living our fullest self.”
For more details, or to listen to the show, please go HERE.
Please note… We just discovered that ads will pop up every 15 minutes (for 30 seconds) from Ustream. Each listener will receive the ads at different times, which means that we cannot plan the interview around ads, and will not know when you individually are listening to an ad. Very sorry about this!!! We hope to create a different solution for future shows. In the meantime, you can install adblocker free, if you use firefox (which is also free). Sorry for any inconvenience!
Aug4
Following the Threads
A part of the Awesome Your Life program is the “commonplace book.” It’s a place to write down dreams, collect inspiring images and quotes, research ideas that capture the imagination, and more. It is a way of following the threads, following the clues given to me by my inner genius, to find my authentic visions that will allow me to create fully and have all my life be the creation that will have the potential to shift the world.
I’m enjoying making this book a lot. I’ve decorated the inside and outside of the cover, written my dreams, ideas and visions so far, and printed and taped a few images. Here are a few of the images that I’ve included:
This car has an interesting story for me. A week before the first time I saw “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” I had a dream about a car very much like this one. Then, when I saw this in the movie, I felt a sense of connection to it (and to Nemo’s boat, the Nautilus as well).
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a new Facebook friend about superheroes. She mentioned she had watched the movie Thor recently, and I asked if she liked it. She said she loved it and she loved the whole Avenger series. She shared with me her article titled, “The Tony Stark Guide to Being Yourself” which is a perfect read for my journey right now (and you may notice she’s the same person who conducted my Headologist session), and I mentioned that I’ve never considered myself a superhero fan, but that it might just have been Superman that gave me that hesitation (because I found him very dull), and maybe I do like superheros after all. I do love Thor, and I’ve long loved “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.”
That got me thinking about that car, that beautiful, sexy car. I love the aesthetics of it, and more than that, it somehow feels like a power symbol to me, like my own personal power symbol just for me (have I ever mentioned I’m a Leo?) Following the thread on this one, I found some people describe the car as “Steampunk.” That piqued my curiosity even further, as I’ve seen images of a Steampunk tarot deck that I had found very attractive, but otherwise it was a new thing to me. So, I googled it. I found a couple of descriptions HERE and HERE. I posted about it on Facebook, how much I love the Steampunk aesthetic. The one thing I don’t love about it is the fact that some say it is empire-friendly, which isn’t cool. I commented that I think it could be turned to a critique on empire easily, then a very kind friend of mine, shared these two articles HERE and HERE about more socially conscious approaches to Steampunk. Yay!!! I’m in heaven! I totally want to make Steampunk movies that are critical of the existing status quo, and are also as sexy and beautiful as this genre is!
This image is called “The Rune Master” and it is by Susan Seddon Boulet, one of my favorite artists. HERE is more of her work. I used this on the cover of my commonplace book, because I’ve loved this image for a long time. I like it even better now that I do runes.
The night after picking this image for my book, I had a dream that featured that same lantern. I searched and searched online for an image that fit the one in my dream, and then realized that it was the one in the picture.
Stairs by Gustave Eiffel (photo by zemoko – CC-BY)
As I was looking for lantern images, I ran across lighthouse stairs and felt very drawn to them. These stairs were created by the same person who created the Eiffel tower. So, perhaps at some point, I will research him more, and see if he has any more work that I find interesting.
All of this feels like a game to me, and yet I can see how it is soul-building work. I’ve always wanted to do a notebook something like this, and right now I’m not sure why I didn’t. At any rate, I’m very glad I’m doing it now.
Aug4
Self-integration
I feel very strongly that I am coming to a point of completion in my life. This continues to be confirmed by various forms of divination and intuition (of myself and others as well). The healing journey I have been on so long is coming full circle. The journey of growth is never complete, but it is possible to reach a point of wholeness and healing. I’m edging on this.
In my rune readings, the rune to come up most often is Othila. 
Othila is generally considered to represent the home and material possessions, as well as land and ancestral property, and the protection of all these things. What it can also mean (and what I believe in my recent readings it has meant) is the self as the home, and the boundaries of the self. It has been coming up in my readings because maintaining the borders of my self (instead of, say, allowing other people’s thoughts to permeate my sense of self) has been an issue for many years. But, as this has been coming up in readings so often, I have been using the Othila energy towards healing that tendency in myself, and it seems to be making a very big difference. I’m feeling much more integrated, whole and with clear understanding of where I end and other people begin. Very exciting!
Also on this thread of self-integration, I had an appointment with The Headologist a few days ago. She offers free promotional half-hour sessions for joining her mailing list, which is something I was wanting to do because she is a great writer, and so when the session was offered as well, I figured “hey, why not?” I like to take advantage of a little added perspective when I can, get some extra clues for the journey, so I figured it would be fun.
It was fun, and also it confirmed what I knew already, but deepened the understand of it. I’ve decided to share an excerpt of the transcript below. It’s interested, because I went into this conversation very open to anything that might come of it, but also not needed anything to happen. About halfway through (15 minutes in), I started thinking not much was going to happen, but then all of a sudden, I had an epiphany.
[9:46:26 PM] Ellison Di Julio: One of my firmly-held beliefs is that all our stucknesses are connected. So, we can literally start anywhere and pull on threads. The connected ones will vibrate and identify themselves so we can check them out.
[9:46:57 PM] Ellison Di Julio: Let’s start with the urgency – why is it TIME now? What’s pressing on you to move forward?
[9:47:35 PM] Epiphany Paris: mostly, it’s just an intuitive sense. i’m seeing things come together, i’m getting confirmation that things are really coming together
[9:50:32 PM] Epiphany Paris: i have a lot of decisions i need to make right now. i’m getting ready to make a move, needing to make a big step in my career, trying to put as many pieces of the “life” puzzle together the best i can. our lease is ending soon, we dislike it here, so that is part of the timing thing, but also just the energy feels like all the work i have been doing is coming full circle. things that went into pause when i had my daughter, are starting up again. Things that went into pause last year when i moved to dc are starting to flow again. issues that have been paused for years while i dealt with more immediate issues are coming back, and resolving quickly. I’m getting runes readings that confirm completion, parts of myself that haven’t been integrateable for years are starting to integrate. i’m starting to get answers to questions i’ve been asking my whole life, i’m starting to feel like i am fully myself, fully embodying my SELF
[9:51:08 PM] Ellison Di Julio: That is super awesome! What a wonderful feeling that’s got to be!
[9:51:12 PM] Epiphany Paris: yeah!
[9:51:30 PM] Epiphany Paris: Yeah, maybe I just don’t have questions for you
[9:51:54 PM] Epiphany Paris: maybe it’s just nice to spell out what i’m feeling to somebody
[9:52:10 PM] Ellison Di Julio: That is totally okay! I would be happy to work with you on digging up and inspecting those worthiness/deserving issues if you feel like you need support for them, but otherwise, it sounds like you’ve got this one, girl.
[9:52:26 PM] Ellison Di Julio: It’s amazing how much telling someone else what’s going on in our heads can help!
[9:52:37 PM] Ellison Di Julio: Just saying it or writing it changes the essence of the thing
[9:53:57 PM] Epiphany Paris: Well, at this moment, i feel like there’s no digging to do. Like, there’s not any depth to the worthiness feelings, but they are just habits that I haven’t broken yet. I’ve dug for years. I feel like there’s no substance to the feelings anymore, I just haven’t completed a new habit yet. So, the stuff that’s coming together, as it integrates, will loosen the links of the unworthiness feelings, and fill the hole of the self-worth emptiness, and as all the integration happens, the self-worth will stop being relevant anymore, and one day I’ll realize the habit is broken
[9:54:05 PM] Epiphany Paris: wow
[9:54:20 PM] Ellison Di Julio: YES! And just like that, things fall into place.
[9:54:22 PM] Ellison Di Julio: BRILLIANT!
[9:54:24 PM] Epiphany Paris:
[9:54:37 PM] Epiphany Paris: i love moments like that. That’s why I chose this name.
[9:54:41 PM] Ellison Di Julio: Totally!
[9:54:50 PM] Epiphany Paris: i say something then I’m like, holy shit, that’s true!
[9:54:55 PM] Epiphany Paris: wow, very cool
[9:54:58 PM] Epiphany Paris: thanks!
[9:54:59 PM] Ellison Di Julio: *laughs* I know, right? Such an awesome moment.
[9:55:01 PM] Epiphany Paris: for being here for this
[9:55:11 PM] Ellison Di Julio: Hey, man, you did it! I’m just glad I could be here to witness and hold it for you. <3
So, that’s that. Further integration, and awareness of the integration. It feels really good to be at this point, and I’m excited about the new beginnings that are being born from this pending completion (like the Awesome Your Life thing work). I feel like I’m really about to take off in my life!
Aug1
“Awesome Your Life” in “The Space Between”
First of all, I’m starting up a new talk show!!! You can check it out HERE. It’s called “The Space Between.”
As it was with “Systemic Effect,” I fully expect that “The Space Between” will challenge me, push me and change me.
In fact, it already is. For my first show, I will be talking with Carolyn Elliott about her book “Awesome Your Life” and website www.awesomeyourlife.com. I became interested in interviewing Carolyn because of what I’ve heard her say on Facebook about counseling people… she struck me as a person who had genuine insights about how things work, how people get better, and how to be really happy.
I’m reading her book in preparation for the interview with her this Sunday, and I’m finding out that she wrote it for me (yes, that’s right! JUST ME!). When I come across writing (or any kind of expression) that does this, I get pretty excited. Being a quadruple Leo, first of course I assume that the book is actually about me. Then, I realize the writing is really just that good, and this is a writer (or artist, etc) that is worth follow, worth promoting. So, as luck has it, she’s on my show this week!
I have to admit, that when I looked at my reflection in this book, one part of it annoyed me. I remembered how destructive it is to try to fit one’s genius into conventional forms for mainstream acceptance. I do this. I hate this about myself, and it’s probably my single worst habit and biggest flaw, but I do this. Why do I do it? I always have. Even though I have pushed through years of personal growth work and healing, I always am trying to find ways to fit what I’ve learned into a framework that won’t be TOO weird, too OUT THERE. Problem is, the more I do this, the more my life falters and I stumble, and the more the results of my work are mediocre at best. Holding myself back, even a little bit, to not seem TOO weird might be keeping me from happiness, success, excellence, awesomeness. I think it’s time to stop that!!!
So, I’ve decided to take on this challenge. As of 7/30, I am beginning the 7 week program in her book. I’m excited and nervous. I feel like this could be my breakthrough moment, my breakthrough year. I did just turn 33 after all. I feel like this is going to be an awesome year, and I’m going to start it off with this work. Let’s see what my life looks like in 7 weeks!
I plan on stopping by here a bit to check in about my progress. It might not happen a lot, as I’m going to be busy conducting a radio show, and also trying to figure out what is happening with my life (more about that later), but I will try to stop by and say how it’s going. Also, Carolyn has agreed to come back on the show sometime around the 7 week mark, and talk with me more about the book, and what I experienced. Stay tuned!